In order to hold myself accountable in receiving this year, I am making a note of the gifts I actually receive. Two came on Monday in unexpected places, and additionally, I was able to conquer a feeling of failure and insecurities.
The first gift came when I sat down to eat my breakfast - cottage cheese, sliced turkey, and toast. Pfc goodness!
As a note: I woke up to feeling like a failure and inadequate for work that I had done for someone. I tried to shake it, but my anxiety slowly was creeping in on me and I knew I had to get my mind off of it. (A core wound of mine is not being perfect in my work and I am working on this!)
So when I sat down, I thought, what can I watch that will ease my anxiety? TED Talks. I had downloaded the app on my Apple TV and occasionally watch one or two when I wish to learn something. Give me something good, and noticed Elizabeth Gilbert had a talk on "your elusive creative genius".
It was perfect. I’ve read Eat, Pray, Love and enjoyed the crap out of it, but watching Elizabeth talk inspired me. She was quirky, witty, energetic, and lovely. I ate everything she put on the plate.
Here is the quote that really stuck with me:
But if you want to watch on your own, here ya go...
While what she said was a lightbulb, it didn’t directly speak to my feelings of anxiety still churning in my mind.
I took my dishes back into the kitchen and viola! Meditate - flashed across my mind. I should totally meditate right now.
And I did. And it cured my anxiety and shame. For the time being I didn’t feel like a failure, and looked at the situation from a different perspective (love, not fear). While I am still not happy about the current situation, I managed to detach myself from it emotionally and focus on next steps. I believe this is what Tony Robbins means when he says, “disciplining your disappointment”.
The third gift I doth received today was this beautiful thing sitting on a shelf at Michaels. I really wanted to buy it (it's just a journal), but since money is so tight, I talked myself out of it and took a picture instead. Maybe I can work on my lettering skills and draw this up to frame it on my own. Either way, I’m a huge daydreamer (Pisces 🙋🏼♀️) and so this spoke to me personally, that is to say, I knew it was for me to see in that moment.
Why I chose the word "Receive" for 2018
These messages and gifts are not lost on me. And yes, I am talking on a more spiritual level.
I’ve always been spiritual - I grew up going to church camp every summer. This allowed me to see the beauty of unconditional love and how complete acceptance can bring people very close together. Additionally, I’ve had my own experiences with seeing and hearing things, but I’ve also had my fair share of blank spaces where I wasn’t spiritual at all because I was so focused on the present.
But now that I am fulfilled in my heart with the love of my husband, and have decided to take big leaps for my career, I've decided to open myself up as much as possible to learning and taking everything in that I possibly can.
Throughout the process of deciding what to do (specifically in August and September 2017), I started noticing signs from my Grandma Wilson popping up. Her energy was so strong at times - most notably when I was talking to someone about my situation and I took two separate whiffs of cigarette smoke, the latter which made me cough! (We were inside a house and no one else was there. We obviously were not smoking and I knew it!)
In short, I knew she’d be pissed about my circumstances. Like, I mean, she would not have tolerated what I tolerated. I also knew what she would want for me. I could just imagine the words coming out of her mouth. And in that moment of smelling smoke, I realized I couldn't and shouldn't do this alone. That it didn't have to be this mentality of me against the world.
And so, I have vowed on this journey to receive as many signs and words of wisdom as humanly possible and let them guide me. I’ve never felt more connected to my life path and to the people who are sharing this journey with me - living or moved on - and I hope to notice all the signs that lay before me in the coming months, years, and so on.
I’ll be sure to make note as they come along. In the meantime, thank you for listening and receiving this message.
Angie